Applied Science...Gross.

[Robin]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody
suctioned meself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth," Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they
both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it. Let's try Plan B," Cobba said.

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
her and release the vacuum," replied Cobba.

"Spot on," Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said. "Not exactly a good time for that mate."

"No." Bruce replied. "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."


Robin

[Jacqueline]

Post by Robin
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

[snip]
lol! that's terrible!

Nicked from another group...

(I like the last one)

Nightmares 1, 2 and 3

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened
the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and
found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down
on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in
here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your
mother"



NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you
give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My
parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this
hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we
get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just
can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the
stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead
and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mum says
she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to
take his hand off the intercom!"

[Robin]

Post by Jacqueline

Post by Robin
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the

bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

Post by Jacqueline
[snip]
lol! that's terrible!
Nicked from another group...
Nightmares 1, 2 and 3
(Snip) Lol. Yes, a very high grossness quotient. But these must surely

rank as the Grossest World Records. (Don't blame me, I'm only passing them
on.)

(A) MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out

of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

(B) LONGEST HAIR

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches

from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

(C) MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without

preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into

her vagina.

(D) ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,

squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a

distance of 7ft 1inch.


(E) WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage

and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani

tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount

of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be

a potent aphrodisiac.

(F) MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York.

It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a

spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but

served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and

is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.

(G) GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'

amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the

greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or

muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

(H) LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an

American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr

12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The

offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

(I) MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart

for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

[Jacqueline]

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol

Jacqueline

Post by Robin

Post by Jacqueline

Post by Robin
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the

bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

Post by Jacqueline
[snip]
lol! that's terrible!
Nicked from another group...
Nightmares 1, 2 and 3
(Snip) Lol. Yes, a very high grossness quotient. But these must surely

rank as the Grossest World Records. (Don't blame me, I'm only passing them
on.)
(A) MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out
of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
(B) LONGEST HAIR
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches
from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
(C) MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into
her vagina.
(D) ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a
distance of 7ft 1inch.
(E) WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage
and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani
tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount
of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be
a potent aphrodisiac.
(F) MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a
spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but
served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and
is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.
(G) GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or
muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
(H) LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an
American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr
12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The
offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
(I) MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart
for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

[Robin]

Post by Jacqueline

Post by Robin
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the

bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

Post by Jacqueline
[snip]
lol! that's terrible!
Nicked from another group...

If you'd like a humorous group to subscribe to, try 3do.bad-attitude. This
is the funniest newsgroup I've found, and they have lots of posts everyday.
Unlike some groups I could name.

Robin

[Jacqueline]

On Mon, 12 Jan 2004 17:28:05 +1100, "Robin"

Post by Robin

Post by Jacqueline

Post by Robin
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the

bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

Post by Jacqueline
[snip]
lol! that's terrible!
Nicked from another group...

If you'd like a humorous group to subscribe to, try 3do.bad-attitude. This
is the funniest newsgroup I've found, and they have lots of posts everyday.
Unlike some groups I could name.

OooOOOooh, hark at you! ;o) People don't know we exist, that's the
trouble...